c On T R oL
by ya-aburnee
Summary: And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me." / I can't help this awful energy / God damn right, you should be scared of me / Who is in control? - There is only so much that a boy like Percy Jackson could take. Gods and mortals alike will eventually learn this the hard way.
**Hey! I'm i live in the Nevernever. A little backstory on why I'm writing this and what it's about -**

 **After The Blood of Olympus, I was disappointed tbh. I loved most of the book, but I was disappointed because what I expected to happen did not happen, and I was looking forward to that happening more than anything. What I'm referring to is Percy finally just giving in to his 'dark' side (that sounds corny, but it's the easiest way to put it). It makes sense; after all he's been through in both PJO and HoO, Percy would definitely not just turn out a-ok. This point has been discussed on Tumblr countless times (seriously, just go on the "dark percy" tag). **

**I hope this can turn into a full-fledged story. I tend to procrastinate a lot, but I've always wanted to write a dark!Percy fanfic. Enjoy!**

 **Shippings: Percabeth (Percy/Annabeth), Jercy (Percy/Jason), Solangelo (Nico/Will), Percico (Percy/Nico) Jasper (Jason/Piper), Caleo (Leo/Calypso), and Frazel (Frank/Hazel), among others. There also may be mentions of Lukercy, Thaluke, and Perlypso, among others.**

 **Warning: Mentions of rape. Depression. PTSD. Further on, there may also be graphic depictions of violence, murder, and torture. This may change as the story progresses.**

 **Also: The fic is inspired by the song "Control" by Halsey. I suggest you check it out.**

* * *

"Hey, Percy!" Leo, bouncing over to him cheerfully, his elfish grin stretched from ear-to-ear, slid next to him on his bench. Percy wished he would just _fuck off_ , but he didn't want to say that, because that would make him an asshole (although to begin with, he was kind of an asshole), and he didn't want to be an asshole to his friend who was just trying to include him in the fun.

Percy's fine thread of patience was snipped in half when he saw that Calypso - whom he knew hated his guts - was accompanying the son of Hephaestus. Percy wanted more than anything for her to just stay away from him, from them both; every time he went near her, his stomach would twist with agonizing guilt that he couldn't assuage. But now, Calypso wouldn't go anywhere without Leo, and since Leo was always somewhere else, she was with him, and the bad thing about that was that Leo was always. With. His. Friends. And, obviously, Percy was one of his friends.

He tried not to notice Calypso's dark eyes boring into him as Leo blathered on about...something. Percy tried to focus on him and him only, but that was pretty difficult when your soul was being scoured by a former lover who thought you were a cheap liar.

Well, she wasn't wrong.

"...Oh! That reminds me. Do you wanna hang out with us later? Me, Piper, Jason, and Calypso are going to NYC. Nico's coming, too, with Will, and -"

* * *

Gods, Nico.

He was a disappointment to him, too.

He had a crush on him, and when he'd finally told Percy, he literally walked away and laughed it off, leaving Percy gaping and wondering _what the actual fuck?_

After that, he said _what do you mean I'm not your type?_ , completely not serious, and he started to regret that after that innocent little joke spread throughout the entire social circles of both camps, and then everyone was saying it to him, again and again:

 _Percy, can you help me with - never mind, you're not the type to deal with this._

 _Percy, how do you - oh, wait, you're not the type to figure out critical thinking problems, haha._

 _Percy, I -_

 _Shut the FUCK UP._

And then the person who had been asking for his assistance would back away, rolling their eyes, their voice dripping with contempt as they all said the same thing:

 _Gods, what's your problem?_

 _How about you don't take your shit out on other people?_

 _What is_ wrong _with you?_

 _Everything_ , he wanted to scream, but instead he found himself running after the person and apologizing profusely, in which they then would awkwardly tell him it was alright, and then would walk away.

He would always replay that conversation in his mind's eye just to make sure that it actually occurred, and then he'd go back to wondering why he never noticed that Nico was in love with him, and why it was so easy for Nico to just let go of it and laugh. Was he that unlikable?

Because, maybe, just maybe, if Percy hadn't loved Annabeth, he and Nico could have had something, and he couldn't deny that Nico was going to grow up to be attractive, and now Nico was just another _what if_ , because whenever he looked at him and Will together he just felt bereft. Of what, he didn't quite know, because he never never NEVER wanted to leave Annabeth, but he wished that before they'd gotten together he had an experience with a guy, and it didn't just have to be Nico (he was ashamed to admit that he kind of sort of longed for Jason, but only because he just felt really really really lonely, and Jason was blonde and Percy had a thing for blondes like Annabeth and Luke, and Jason was so tall and muscular and warm and nice) -

* * *

"So, you up for it?"

Percy jolted back to reality.

"Um..."

Leo scowled. "Aw, come on, have you even been listening?"

"Let's just go, Leo," Calypso cut in before Percy could reply. "It's obvious he doesn't care."

Leo glanced back and forth between the two, wanting to persist but knowing Calypso would get annoyed if he did.

"Uh, okay. Maybe next time? See ya!"

Leo intertwined his spindly fingers with Calypso's slender ones, and the lovely couple was off to live their exuberant lives of romance and adventure. Percy watched, stone-faced, as Leo whispered something sweetly into Calypso's ear, and she giggled blithely. His first _what if_ seemed to emit a luminous golden glow in the divine light of the sun.

He had no idea why he was crying, but he just was. This happened a lot as of late.

* * *

He didn't feel like eating.

Everything he used to love was just...disgusting. Cheeseburgers, cookies, pizza, milkshakes, chocolate - it all tasted like crap now.

He was back in his mom's apartment when the realization dawned on him.

Hazel and Frank had invited him to Camp Jupiter, just him, because Annabeth and his other friends were busy, all for unique reasons, and he had no idea what exactly they were busy with, but he wanted to be busy, too, because at least that meant he was contributing to something and being useful, but no, he had been buried beneath the covers of his bed at home having another existential crisis.

The two had sounded so joyful, so vivacious when they had called him, their voices brimming with excitement for the day and then the day after that and so on, and when he spoke into the phone his voice gave him the impression of an old man who smoked five packs a day ever since he was ten years old.

"Are you sure?" Hazel had asked. "I mean, we don't want to make you do something you don't want to do. All we were going to do was just hang out at our place. I was going to bake cookies and everything."

Another voice appeared on the line - Frank's. "Yeah, we just haven't seen you in awhile, and -"

"I'm sure."

He made a note to bang his head against the wall after the phone call was over. Hazel and Frank didn't deserve curt answers.

"S-Sorry," he mumbled, "Sorry. I just don't want to. Sorry."

He hung up.

He wanted to. He really did. But at the same time, he really didn't. The idea of having to keep up with Frank and Hazel was just a serious turn-off. But...cookies. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten his mom's blue chocolate chip cookies. His mom and Paul weren't home, probably out on a date, but he could at least manage to bake a batch of cookies, right?

* * *

An hour later, Percy was vomiting out the remains of his failed project into the toilet. He wasn't sure where he went wrong. He was sure he followed the the recipe correctly, adding the required ingredients and the blue food dye, baking it in the oven for the time allotted...

He attempted to wash out the burning taste in his throat with water, then eating a snack of Doritos - then he was puking again. He felt as though his insides were going to burst from the pressure, but the sensation passed after he was finally finished.

He cleaned up the mess he made quickly, ready to jump back into bed and try to sleep for as long as possible. Thankfully, there wasn't much to clean, and in ten minutes he was back to cuddling the new panda pillow pet his mom had bought for him.

Percy decided that the next time he was hungry, he'd eat a granola bar and call it a day.

* * *

 _He found himself staring silently at Rachel Elizabeth Dare, whose fiery hair billowed like the erratic flames of a pyre as she recited the words of the previous Oracle:_

 _"I am the spirit of Delphi, speaker of the prophecies of Phoebus Apollo, slayer of the mighty Python. Approach seeker, and ask."_

 _He opened his mouth to reply, but the movement felt sluggish, as if his jaw was stuck in place. Emerald green mist swirled and snaked around his ankles; his feet were stuck to the ground like glue. The smoke wrapped around his body like a vice and...Gods, it was suffocating. It was squeezing and tightening its grip until his bones were cracking and the circulation was ceasing and black patches were dotting his vision and it just wouldn't let go of him -_

 _"R-R-Rach...Rach-chel..._ Rachel _...Ra -"_

 _Rachel, who up until then appeared only as an empty husk of a human being, raised both her hands in what appeared to be some sort of summoning ritual, the mist thickening until half of her already blurred figure was obscured from view. Percy gagged and choked, his struggling fruitless as he felt the coils of mist crush him and then - he was in the great throne room of Mount Olympus._

 _He'd never felt so grateful to be among the presence of the gods, although he would never say that out loud._

 _They were all there, even Hades and Hestia and some of the minor gods; he felt all of their individual gazes upon his very mortal body, most of them bearing the typical suspicion and mistrust. Of course, save for his father. But when he looked up, all he could discern on Poseidon's usually smiling face was antipathy. It was an expression he recognized in his old teachers, all those jackasses who considered him a bastard, a freak, a thing that wasn't worth the time or energy to invest in after multiple failures to somehow improve...something._

 _"You failed." Zeus seemed to hate him now more than he ever had before._

 _"You act like that's a surprise," Percy answered dryly._ What exactly did I fail doing? _his consciousness whispered to some nonexistent listener._

 _"This is the last time we allow you to take advantage of our kindness, Perseus Jackson."_

 _Percy fiddled with his ballpoint pen inattentively. "About damn time."_

 _Zeus's electric blue eyes narrowed to slits. "How dare you attempt to usurp our power in the name of some false brand of what you consider to be 'justice'?"_

What now? _the conscious part of his brain inquired again, but the words spilled out of his dreamself like a torrent that he couldn't curb._

 _"It was worth a shot."_

 _Zeus laughed in disbelief. "'Worth a shot'? Consider what will happen next. Did you truly think that you stood a chance against us, against me?"_

 _Perhaps it was just the tension in the room building up, but Percy thought he could feel the company of other beings besides the deities before him. He swiveled his head, his body still rendered immobile, and sure enough, his intuition was right; all of his friends were there. All of them. From Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter, it was as if they were a hive mind in which no one could act until they were ordered to by a higher power, because they all glowered at him with a certain kind of hatred that Percy couldn't quite comprehend, as if he'd murdered all of their mortal parents._

 _Annabeth was there and she looked at him in the exact same way._

 _It was odd. She'd glared at him before, but the pure emotion behind it ran deeper than any sort of mundane mistake Percy could make as her boyfriend. It was more along the lines of something she would feel as the victim of the worst kind of crime a human being could commit, whether or not he was a stranger or otherwise, and when he saw the way she held herself and the passionate rage that burned in her stormy gray eyes, Percy felt like he was going to throw up again._

 _He couldn't have done that to her, could he?_

 _Swallowing down his dread, he turned back to the all-powerful beings before him and shrugged nonchalantly._

 _"I dunno."_

 _Zeus, who looked only slightly miffed at the aloof response, continued on. "Well, look at where your impulsive behavior has led you. You are now guilty of treason and are sentenced to an eternity in Tartarus, to bear your punishment until the end of time."_

 _The statement didn't quite hit him as hard as it should yet, because Percy felt satisfaction rather than unadulterated terror. Tilting his head, he licked his lips unabashedly in anticipation._

 _"This...this...is precious."_

 _Zeus raised a questioning eyebrow._

 _Percy felt a mad grin tug at his lips._

 _"You're sending me -" He motioned towards himself, self-deprecating. "- Me, of all people - into a pit of eternal torment and despair, all 'cause I was gonna 'conduct' -" he placed air quotes around that word. " - a coup d'état, and you all thought I could actually pull it off?"_

 _It was just all too funny, too absurd, that an immortal who'd lived for thousands of years was afraid that a seventeen-year-old half-blood could overthrow him. Percy relished this, relished how the tables had turned and he just couldn't suppress a bout of snickering that forced its way through his lungs._

 _"You've proven my point for me," Percy said as tears of laughter pricked his eyes._

 _Zeus, for all his so-called wisdom that came with age, still didn't understand._

 _Percy, suddenly snapping back to sanity, simply asked: "Who is really in control?"_

 _With a snap of fingers and a rush of ghastly wind, Percy was falling, falling, and the smirk melted off his face as he wondered if repentance would be a viable option in Tartarus. In the ever-increasing distance between him and the surface, he thought he could make out Annabeth looking down on him, her countenance still the same as when he looked at her before._

* * *

When he woke up, he was crying.

He didn't bother to wipe away the tears or the sweat and he stumbled and tripped and ran out of his room, his breathing uneven and hitched as he called out for someone.

How could his mom and Paul still not be home?

He was drowning in darkness and he scrambled to find a light switch, but all he came in contact with was a naked wall, and finally he gave up and sank to the ground and held his head and tried to reach a state of equilibrium, because if he tried to think all he would think about was what the next day would bring.

* * *

 **I hope I can do PTSD and depression justice. Mental illness is so poorly portrayed in the media and in everyday life.**

 **Any devices that were used repetitively were used this way on purpose.**

 **Thank you!**


End file.
